So I just got off the phone with Vikram

The guy is freaking out, as you might imagine. I would be too, if I was the CEO of Shitigroup. Imagine being handed this ticking time bomb two years ago, have it blow up all over you, and watch what were once $35 shares begin their long, steady, and inexorable deathmarch to $0. After surviving the shareholders trying to firebomb his Manhattan apartment, fighting off the short selling vultures, and paying back the TARP, the poor guy thought he was out of the woods. The darkest days were over, bonus season was around the corner, and with any luck, 2010 would be the year he got his chairmanship back.

That is, until that skinny guy got on TV and got the rabble all fired up about banks. Honestly, will someone feed him a cheeseburger? I don't get it, the chefs over at 1600 don't play around. Anyway, all Vik can say is, "I don't need this shit right now," and "Those same crazies that hijacked that Senate seat are going to put my head on a spit." I told him to calm down, and pimp out some more credit cards till he feels better. Sure, everybody is pissed at him right now, and his shares are down 5%, whatever. This will all die down once some dumbass representative lets slip the words 'Sarbanes-Oxley' or 'Glass-Steagall' in front of a TV camera. Once John and Jane Populist figure out that actual reform is more complicated than a McDonald's breakfast menu, everybody will forget what the big deal was in the first place. Dems will breath a collective sigh of relief at having been given a pass on the whole thing, and slither back into their holes. Then Vik, you can get the casino started up again. Five foreclosed houses on red!

So Vikram, don't fret. Besides, we saw this whole meltdown coming for awhile now. That's why we planted Manchurian Candidate Roberts, and his sidekick Alito on the Court way back when. Cheney activated him just the other day (Justice Roberts....Justice John Roberts....Justice John Glover Roberts....ding!) to smack down McCain-Feingold. Our man browbeat the court into mumbling something about how corporations are entitled to free speech protections just like you or me, and can finance political ads however they damn well please. My advice to you, Vik, would be to hunker down, marshal your strength, and spend every dollar your bank can spare on the Great Propaganda Wave of 2010. It's gonna be ok.