The guy is freaking out, as you might imagine. I would be too, if I was the CEO of Shitigroup. Imagine being handed this ticking time bomb two years ago, have it blow up all over you, and watch what were once $35 shares begin their long, steady, and inexorable deathmarch to $0. After surviving the shareholders trying to firebomb his Manhattan apartment, fighting off the short selling vultures, and paying back the TARP, the poor guy thought he was out of the woods. The darkest days were over, bonus season was around the corner, and with any luck, 2010 would be the year he got his chairmanship back.
That is, until that skinny guy got on TV and got the rabble all fired up about banks. Honestly, will someone feed him a cheeseburger? I don't get it, the chefs over at 1600 don't play around. Anyway, all Vik can say is, "I don't need this shit right now," and "Those same crazies that hijacked that Senate seat are going to put my head on a spit." I told him to calm down, and pimp out some more credit cards till he feels better. Sure, everybody is pissed at him right now, and his shares are down 5%, whatever. This will all die down once some dumbass representative lets slip the words 'Sarbanes-Oxley' or 'Glass-Steagall' in front of a TV camera. Once John and Jane Populist figure out that actual reform is more complicated than a McDonald's breakfast menu, everybody will forget what the big deal was in the first place. Dems will breath a collective sigh of relief at having been given a pass on the whole thing, and slither back into their holes. Then Vik, you can get the casino started up again. Five foreclosed houses on red!
So Vikram, don't fret. Besides, we saw this whole meltdown coming for awhile now. That's why we planted Manchurian Candidate Roberts, and his sidekick Alito on the Court way back when. Cheney activated him just the other day (Justice Roberts....Justice John Roberts....Justice John Glover Roberts....ding!) to smack down McCain-Feingold. Our man browbeat the court into mumbling something about how corporations are entitled to free speech protections just like you or me, and can finance political ads however they damn well please. My advice to you, Vik, would be to hunker down, marshal your strength, and spend every dollar your bank can spare on the Great Propaganda Wave of 2010. It's gonna be ok.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The future looks bright
Oh dear. It's been a wild 24 hours, and I'll be honest, could anyone imagine a better way to ring in the first year of this administration? The celebration ran late into the night at the Family pad on C street--it was a good thing I'd already written my piece for the Journal before Coburn started slinging the victory mint juleps around. I ended up crashing at Dana's, and awoke terrified that the events of yesterday were the product of hangover-induced fantasies. I turned on the TV to a flood of relief: 52-47, just as I had left it. I added a couple of tea-bagger quotes to the Journal piece, and sent it off, making sure to cc Axelrod.
How can you not be giddy? The sun is shining, and there's only three more years before we can send O-bizzle back to Chicago and get back to work. Can't you smell it in the air? A month ago, I thought for sure we were on the verge of the Great Society Part Two. What a shitshow, right? But today, these pussy dems are practically apologizing to America for even attempting HCR. I mean, did you see the 180 that Barney Frank pulled? One of them even released a statement saying with 59 senators its now a mathematical impossibility to legislate without the Party of Freedom. It's a great day for Real America, and the future looks bright.
A few readers have tried telling me that I shouldn't be quite so smug, that this Brown guy is from Massachusetts after all, and he will turn on us like a rabid abused pit bull on some issues in his frantic bid to win over the Massholes for 2012. Bullshit, I say. I know all those guys, and I can guarantee that Inhofe, Ensign, and McConnell will personally beat the shit out of him in the Senate locker room like the freshman he is, until he gets in line. And they are very good at not leaving marks. Case in point, that Judas-goat Specter. You never saw a so much as a scrape on him, but I knew he was getting the treatment right up until he got in bed with those fairies. Which reminds me -- don't forget to donate to the Club for Growth!
But the best part of this whole thing is that my publisher has been absolutely giddy, talking about how he just made a down payment on a McMansion, and leased a new Audi. We were both getting discouraged that my book might come out at the worst possible time, with HCR passed, dems getting more popular, and most of my target audience still only halfway through Sarah's book. What a difference a day makes! My New Year's resolution for 2010 is to keep W's tax cuts alive--I shudder at the thought of losing 39.6% of this book deal.
One last thing...more than one reader has warned me about the risks of being labeled the party that denied health care to 30 million. Sound advice! But you need not worry, these folks don't vote anyway, and in a few years the problem will take care of itself. Until that point, I recommend constantly remarking that we found the real birth certificate, and it tells us that Big O is actually the illegitimate descendant of Lenin. I'm off for now, it's time to grease up the Fear Machine. We will fire it up soon.
- K
How can you not be giddy? The sun is shining, and there's only three more years before we can send O-bizzle back to Chicago and get back to work. Can't you smell it in the air? A month ago, I thought for sure we were on the verge of the Great Society Part Two. What a shitshow, right? But today, these pussy dems are practically apologizing to America for even attempting HCR. I mean, did you see the 180 that Barney Frank pulled? One of them even released a statement saying with 59 senators its now a mathematical impossibility to legislate without the Party of Freedom. It's a great day for Real America, and the future looks bright.
A few readers have tried telling me that I shouldn't be quite so smug, that this Brown guy is from Massachusetts after all, and he will turn on us like a rabid abused pit bull on some issues in his frantic bid to win over the Massholes for 2012. Bullshit, I say. I know all those guys, and I can guarantee that Inhofe, Ensign, and McConnell will personally beat the shit out of him in the Senate locker room like the freshman he is, until he gets in line. And they are very good at not leaving marks. Case in point, that Judas-goat Specter. You never saw a so much as a scrape on him, but I knew he was getting the treatment right up until he got in bed with those fairies. Which reminds me -- don't forget to donate to the Club for Growth!
But the best part of this whole thing is that my publisher has been absolutely giddy, talking about how he just made a down payment on a McMansion, and leased a new Audi. We were both getting discouraged that my book might come out at the worst possible time, with HCR passed, dems getting more popular, and most of my target audience still only halfway through Sarah's book. What a difference a day makes! My New Year's resolution for 2010 is to keep W's tax cuts alive--I shudder at the thought of losing 39.6% of this book deal.
One last thing...more than one reader has warned me about the risks of being labeled the party that denied health care to 30 million. Sound advice! But you need not worry, these folks don't vote anyway, and in a few years the problem will take care of itself. Until that point, I recommend constantly remarking that we found the real birth certificate, and it tells us that Big O is actually the illegitimate descendant of Lenin. I'm off for now, it's time to grease up the Fear Machine. We will fire it up soon.
- K
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